An attempt at positivity

Today I feel like there’s a lot, and also nothing, going on in my life.  Things are a bit confusing here, with visa application issues, a blooming identity crisis, hot, sweaty yoga, and three failed brownie attempts.  That’s right.  I tried again and they’re still not good.  I’m officially blaming Europe.

But instead of going into all of that (don’t worry, I’ll probably “go into” all that in future posts).  For now, I will tell a few good things that I’m grateful for and leave out alllllllll the other stuff.

1) We bought strawberries today, and I’m going to make strawberry shortcake.
2) I got two books from the library that I’m excited to read.
3) My hair is ALMOST long enough for a half-ponytail.  Progress.
4) I’m getting better at meal-planning and food-shopping
5) I’m getting to know my neighbors better, and feeling less nervous around them.
6) My apartment building now has “food waste” and other various recycling bins, which I’m super excited about.
7) I’ve made successful (and exciting!) pita bread twice.  Also, when we made fajitas yesterday for dinner with Quorn filet strips, Andreas said it was one of the best foods he has ever eaten!
8) I did not forget to call my dad on Fathers’ Day
9) I rode a bike in traffic for the first time in my life.
10) My husband is never-endingly understanding and supportive through my meltdowns, sobbing jags, baby fever, and homesickness.

So, although it often feels like it, not everything in my life is stagnant, or complicated, or going awry, and it feels good to focus sometimes on the small good things when complications interrupt.  I’ll end this before I start whinging about the brownies.

Gratitude

I left the states almost five months ago today, and moved to Sweden about three months ago.  As anyone who’s read a scattering of these posts will know, I have my ups and my downs, and while lately I had a pretty long “down” period, I feel like I really snapped out of it this past Wednesday.

I’d been feeling rather useless, and like the only thing I can do is wait.  Wait for my visa to come through, wait until I’ll be able to go to school again, get a job again, and honestly, wait for starting our family.  This hasn’t changed, it’s still true, but I’ve been feeling much better.  On Wednesday, I was busy.  I probably haven’t been that “busy” since I was preparing for my big move.  I spent the day with my nephew, since it was a holiday here in Sweden (so daycare was closed) but his mom still had to go to school since she studies in Denmark.  We started off going to the park nearby, armed with a skateboard, a bicycle and a lot of energy.  The park was a blast.  We made a castle for some ants, studied a spider, and got to play on some pretty sweet playground equipment.  I even had a discussion in some sort of Swedish/Danish hybrid language withe one of the parents there, and plucked up the courage to say hi to someone I had met once before, and recognized after I heard him speaking English to his (very cute) son.

After a few hours, we headed home, had a successful lunch, then had a neighbor boy over to play for a while, too.  I talked to some of the neighbors, and met some I hadn’t really spoken to before, went on a walk, had coffee with my sister-in-law, got to play with a baby, and then after dinner went to my knitting group.  I’m really glad that even though the first few times I went were really difficult for me, just because it was meeting new people, and I didn’t really have connections with them yet, like they all had with each other.  However, it’s only gotten better every time, and even though this has been the biggest group yet, I felt comfortable talking to the people around me, and stayed after many of them left, which is my favorite part of any sort of party–when there are not as many people, and we can talk more easily.  I felt really included, and was even able to open up about how difficult it can be to work up the courage to come.  I even walked home with a few of the people, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more like I’m starting to have a life here.  I was on a high that night, and couldn’t believe how wonderful the day had felt.  Sure, it has taken the next day and a half to “recover” from everything, but those are the days that I need every once in a while, to remind me that my efforts are paying off–not only my efforts to make sure I make friends and meet people, but also my efforts in learning to speak Danish, and to understand Swedish.

As I type this, I realize that even though I’m just waiting, and waiting for a chance to really begin the next phase of my life, I’m going to miss living in Malmö.  I’m going to miss the people, our apartment(s), knitting group, living so close to family, and the long, quiet, peaceful days. So as hard as it is sometimes, I’m grateful to have this time to take a step back and wait.

Our next step in life is going to be a really big one, and it’s going to be hard and exciting and I’m looking forward to it so much.  But I’m also glad I’ve had this time to sort of “prepare” myself for it.  I’m really grateful that I have the chance to really examine myself, figure out how I work best, and also to have a chance to focus on my relationship with my husband before we become a bigger family.

Now, if I could just get the sun to shine, I’d be thankful for that, too…

A Day Out

Yesterday was the last day of Andreas’s four-day weekend (darn) but the first day of real summer weather (YAY!)!  In the afternoon, Andreas left his Diablo III game to walk with me to Pildammsparken, a large nature-y park nearby that we’ve been meaning to explore.  The sky was blue, the sun was hot and even the wind was warm!  After hearing all about the reports of unseasonably warm Wisconsin weather since March, I’ve been (relatively patiently) waiting for our own here in Sweden and here it comes!  We got ice cream and walked around the whole park which is awesome!  It has meadows and a bit of forest, a lake, and flower gardens–basically anything that anyone would want in a park, with the addition of what seems like thousands of geese and ducks.

We’ve vowed to have at least a couple of picnics here as summer progresses, and when I finally get a pair of running shoes, I’m looking forward to having such a beautiful space to run.  But I’m not kidding anyone, there’s also going to be a whole lot of leisurely knitting in the sunshine and endless pages turned (the park just happens to be really close to the city library).

It’s lovely to have days every once in a while to remind me how lucky I am, and to remind me not to look back wistfully on how I felt a year ago (excited about having graduated, and looking forward to our wedding and seeing so many of our dear friends again) or where I want to be in a year from now, but to concentrate on how wonderful right now just happens to be.  I’ve been aiming more and more for that sought-after “attitude of gratitude” am surprised at how easy it’s been to suddenly feel overwhelmed with happiness and thankfulness, especially after a few hormonal baby-fever meltdowns that may or may not have occurred this weekend.

I’m just grateful that there is more than enough happiness and peacefulness in my life to help me get through tough times and bouts of homesickness.