And … Breathe Out

I did it!

I passed my Danish test, with two tens and a twelve, good enough to be able to move on to the university-prep Danish class!  I still feel like it could hardly be over already, but I’m so, so relieved that it is.  The oral exam went well.  Better than I expected, although I came close to getting a lower grade because of my pronunciation of the weird Danish vowels (especially “ø”).  But I got my ten, and all is well!

I’m pretty sure I feel even more relief than I did when my finals were over in college.  Now all I have to do is get ready for the baby, and wait!

But I was thinking today how grateful I am for the Danish classes I had.  They were free (paid for by the state) and I learned so, so much in the five months that I was enrolled.  In the last class I was in, especially, I felt like I really made friends, and even though we might not stay really close, it gave me a taste of what having a normal life here was like.  I know it’ll happen someday, and having a glimpse into it now was really encouraging!  And who knows? Maybe we will stay friends!

There isn’t so much other news, since I’ve mostly been worrying about and preparing for my exam.  We’re starting to get more ready for the baby, taking a trip to IKEA, buying some cloth diapers (both the wiping-up-spit-up and the actually-used-for-diapers kinds) and starting to check things off of the “baby list”

I also made dirt cake, which is kind of a big deal.  Andreas said he probably wouldn’t eat much of it, since last time he tried it, he didn’t like it.  I held back my horrified gasp, and made half a recipe (which is a good idea, even if he was planning on eating a lot of it) and when he had his taste, he couldn’t get enough.  Unfortunately (or rather, fortunately, for me) he has allergies, and I made it with regular milk and cream, since he wasn’t planning on indulging, so he can’t have much.  But I can.  And it’s great.  When I got home from my test today, I let myself eat as much of it as I felt like! (which was two servings)!

So now that I’m finished with my Danish classes, I’m trying to make sure I organize my life a little bit more.  I’m going to try going to an international parents’ group I found on meetup (they have a coffee get-together every week for pregnant women and new parents), and I also found a knitting group that meets in a baby thrift store which I’m working up the nerve to try to go to.  I also have a half-finished puzzle on the coffee table.  The goal is to finish it before the baby comes, but what I didn’t consider when I started it is that it’s a lot harder to bend over/sit on the floor/reach the coffee table in general when you’re heavily pregnant.  But I can’t just leave it half finished or *gasp* take what I’ve done apart, so I’d best get to work on it!

In regards to photo-a-day June…well, on the afternoon of June 1st, I looked to see what the day’s topic was.  It was “morning.”  Seriously?  On the first day?  That didn’t bode well, and I haven’t really done much of it, but I have been more conscious about taking some pictures, so I’ll make sure to include some in my next post (I promise!!).  I would include a couple this time but…you know…I’m already sitting down, and my camera is in the other room so…you’ll just have to wait.

 

June 10th? Seriously?

It’s June 10th.  I can’t believe it’s already June 10th.  There’s nothing especially special about the date or anything, it just seems like all of a sudden it’s summer and not spring, and my exams are closer to being over than they are to having started, and also, my due date is in less than two months.  So there’s that.

My little sister is making her super long car trip with my parents over to Louhelen today, which reminded me that five years ago today, I was making the same trip, in the same car.  But back then, I had no idea that in just a couple of months, I’d be meeting the man I’d get to have a big ol’ crush on, fall in love with, marry, and quickly get started on a family with.  I was totally ignorant to how happy I was going to end up being, or how exciting (at times) and boring (at other times) and always really lovely our future was going to be.  I’m actually slightly secretly (well, not so secretly anymore, I guess) hoping the baby will be born on the five-year anniversary of when we met (August 11th) just because I’m a sucker for things like that.

In other, not as sentimental, news, my written exam went well.  As I explained last time, Denmark has a 12-scale grading system, which goes from -03 to 12 (-03, 00, 02(first passing grade), 04, 07, 10, and 12) and I had to get tens in both sections to go on to the university-prep level Danish class.  I got a 10 in the writing section, and a 12 in the reading-comprehension, and to be honest, I was slightly disappointed that I didn’t get a 12 in writing, because I’m that kind of nerd who was afraid of getting a four, but was secretly hoping for a 12 anyway.  But the point is that I passed with scores good enough to go on, so as long as I do well next Monday in my oral exam, I’ll be all set!

I’ve been working on my presentation, but got sick (again!) yesterday, which led to napping and not working on my presentation.  I’m back at it again, doing innumerable practice runs, and sneezing every few sentences, which throws my timing all off (it has to be two minutes long).  I’m also suffering from a constant layer of anxiety that won’t go away until next Monday at around 2 pm when I’m DONE.

The oral exam goes like this: Part One: student gives a two-minute monologue on a pre-assigned topic (mine is Crafting in Denmark- Tradition and Renewal, which sounds really boring, but was a gem in my eyes!).  Then three minutes are devoted for the examiner to ask student questions about said topic.  Part Two: Student randomly draws one of three topics (we don’t know what they are ahead of time) and is then given a couple of pictures that relate to the topic, which they have to then describe.  Then they spend the next four minutes answering questions about the topic.

It could go smoothly enough, and I’m obviously really hoping it does, but honestly I’m really freaked out about the second part, mostly.  It’s just so up to chance, and after looking at sample topics from previous years’ exams, I’m afraid of getting something like “crime and punishment in Denmark” or “surveillance” which I really don’t know how to talk about in English, let alone Danish.  So if anyone remembers, cross your fingers for me next Monday.

Anyway, the rest of June is pretty full, event-wise.  We have a non-baptism baptism to go to (basically just a baby-party, and who doesn’t like a baby-party?!), my test, Baha’i events, and in the two free-ish weekends, we have to start getting stuff ready for the baby because I can sense a panic attack right around the corner if we don’t “get on” that soon.  I think I’m beginning to feel the pressure after a recent growth spurt.  Andreas and I both felt like I stayed about the same size for a good month and a half, but we knew that a change was just around the corner, and boy were we right.  When I saw the photos from this week’s “belly picture,” I was pretty taken aback.  We don’t have any full-length mirrors in the apartment, and my view from “up above” is quite skewed, so I hadn’t realized I’d gotten quite this big:

Now that’s a lot of belly.  Two months to go!  Hopefully I get a bit of a break before the next growth spurt, because this guy’s getting heavy to cart around.

 

Big Danish Test Part 1: check.

Last week, I took the first part of my big Danish test.  Ever since, people have asked me how it went, and I’m never quite sure what to say.  It was a writing and reading-comprehension test, and I guess it went fine, but I can’t really say until I get the results (next week).  There were a lot of questions during the reading-comprehension part that I just wasn’t sure about, which is a little nerve-wracking, considering that was the part of the test that I was least worried about.  And the subjects for the written part were good, and write-about-able, so I’m hoping for the best.

Now I’ve started a new class specifically for preparing for the spoken part of the test (mine’s on June 17th) and am getting continually more nervous for that one, as I expected.  I’m practicing my weird Danish vowels, something I haven’t really focused on before, and again, just hoping to pull a good topic that I feel comfortable talking about (for example, education, as opposed to something like politics).  But we’re practicing a lot in class, which also gives us a good opportunity to use the phrases we’ve been stowing away for when we have no idea how to answer a question (like: “That’s a very broad question…” “I’ve never given that a thought, but I could imagine that…” etc.).  After all, it is a language test, not a test on how much we know about the given topics, so as long as we sound coherent, and fluent, that’s the most important thing.

I’m really excited for the big test to be over.  We get our oral results as soon as we’re finished with the exam, so at that point, I’ll know my whole score, and whether or not it’s good enough to qualify me for the next class, or if I’ll have to retake the test again in November.  I’ll feel better once I know that, and can start making a plan (or rather, hopefully not making a plan).  However, when I’m done with the test, I’ll have no more Danish classes, which are basically the only real thing I have going on in my life.  I’ll then have a good six to nine weeks to essentially “do nothing” although I’ll really be getting ready for (and freaking out about) the baby.

In other baby news, oh my goodness is it strong.  I got kicked in the belly yesterday so hard that it felt like someone snapped a really thick rubberband against the inside of my belly.  I gasped and clutched at my stomach, which really freaked Andreas out, and the spot’s still really tender.  I’ve also relapsed back into the first trimester exhaustion that I had in the wintertime, only now, I don’t get to sleep until 10 or 11 every day, and instead have to be up at seven, and it feels like torture.  Even today, when I got to sleep in until 9, I felt ready for a nap three or four hours later.  I’d sort of forgotten what all this was like and left it in the haze that was those first three months, but boy am I remembering.

However, I’m being ambitious tonight, and am going to try a new recipe (chickpea curry!) and even make some basic chocolate mousse (just chocolate and water) to eat with some strawberries I bought yesterday.  I was going to make strawberry shortcakes, but Andreas has been struggling with allergies lately (milk and sugar) and even though strawberry shortcakes are actually a pretty allergy-light dessert, I’d still feel guilty.  Luckily, I remembered the mousse from when I made it when we lived in Sweden, and I’m excited to try it  again!  Of course, there’s a bit of sugar in it, as there is in the sliced strawberries, but…you’ve gotta live a little.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to decide if I have time for a nap before I embark on kitchen adventures, since Andreas is going to badminton after work today and won’t be home until later…

PS-I realize that alllllll of my posts lately have been dry and pictureless, and that’s because I…haven’t been taking pictures.  But I’m trying to get better at taking some, and thinking about doing photo-a-day June, as well, to maybe get me started up again.

May

So there’s this “blog every day in May” thing going on, and here I am, letting my blog whither and die in May.  Oops.

I don’t even know quite what it’s been…But I’m hoping to pick it up again, and while I’m not going to resolve to post every day for the rest of May, I’m hoping to do a lot better than I have been doing!

So, my birthday is on Wednesday, but what is by far overshadowing that is that I have Part One of my Prøve i Dansk 3 which is my big Danish test (let’s call it PD3 so that I don’t have to keep switching back and forth between English and Danish keyboard configurations…).  I imagine it kind of like Mordor, casting its looming black shadow over the Shire (my birthday).  But the good news is that we’ve done a few practice tests, and I’ve gotten between 10 and 12 on all of them (on a 12-scale which looks like this: -03, 00 (which are both failing) then 02, 04, 07, 10, and 12)  Please don’t ask me why the scale goes from negative three to positive twelve because I am even more confused than you.  The important thing to know is that to get into the next class that I need to get into in order to take the next test which I need to pass to get into school here (whew!), I need to get at least 10s on every section of the test.  (I’ve been told that getting one seven might not be the worst, but, this is confusing enough as it is, so let’s just say 10s).  Wednesday’s test is the reading comprehension and writing sections, which is five to six hours of sitting and being tested.  Part Two of the test takes place on June 17th and is the oral part, which consists of me giving a monologue, then answering questions about it, then looking at pictures and talking about those.

I think that the anxiety and worry about those has been kind of squelching a lot of my joy lately, as well as Andreas being sick for a good five weeks, and then *tada!* I get sick with whatever it is that he had.  Luckily, I don’t think mine will last for five weeks, and I should be in okay stand to take my test on Wednesday.  So for now, I’ll just blow my nose every couple of minutes, and be thankful that the whole fever/aches/headache stuff happened over the weekend.

We’re also getting closer to August which is when Mini-Mine is due.  We managed to buy a cradle/hammock thing on Danish Craigslist a week ago, and I also got a nursing pillow, and we have a minimal amount of clothing (and some cloth diapers!) so we’re getting there…  What I’m most excited to get done is to set up some serious baby-stuff storage, so we have a place to put all these things.  In a less-than-500-square-foot apartment, it can get tricky to find space, but we’ll be creative, and luckily we don’t have too much junk of our own.

Being so overwhelmed with my tests, and other stuff in my life (mainly homesickness and friend-sickness) makes the whole baby thing seem a bit overwhelming at times as well, but what actually really helps me get excited for August is reading birth stories!  I’m not one to get grossed out about all that, and thinking about actually having our baby and being a family makes getting the apartment ready for a baby and adjusting to life here in Denmark a bit less overwhelming.  So for now, I’m just trying to focus on the positives, get over this cold, and ace my Danish tests.  I’m also switching Danish teachers (starting tomorrow) so of course, I’m nervous about that as well.  But as of June 17th, it’ll all be over, and I can maybe relax a bit more for a while.

I feel like I just have to hold on for the next month, and then it’ll all be okay.  It feels  a lot like how I felt before the last month of the semester in college, when work suddenly got crazy along with classes, projects, and finals, except this time, it’s just very important Danish tests.  I’m actually am getting a bit jealous of seeing everyone’s “finals are over!” posts and graduation pictures on Facebook, while I’m just starting over here.

I’m also bracing myself for waves of nostalgia and missing-people as two of my lovely friends back in the US are getting married within the next month, and I know I’m going to see photos on top of photos and wish I could be in them. *sigh*

So that’s what heartburn feels like – and other making-a-baby stories

So, I’m still working on making this baby.  Sometimes, it feels like it’s taking for.ev.er. and sometimes it’s like “what? I’m due in three months?”

And sometimes it’s like “what’s this weird feeling in my throat?”  I wondered about it for a full day before I realized…it’s heartburn!  Now, ever since I was a kid, I’ve wondered what heartburn is.  I’d had headaches, bellyaches, scrapes, stubbed toes, and, one time, a bruised lump on my forehead so big that my skull is permanently bump-scarred.  But I always saw these commercials with people rubbing their chests with pained faces and wondered what exactly they were feeling.  Every once in a while I’d have a pain in my chest, and I would think is this heartburn?! but it never was.  But this…this is heartburn.  And now that the novelty has worn off, I don’t like it.  I’m trying not to do the normal things they tell you not to do, like eat a lot before bed, spicy foods, fatty foods, etc.  But sometimes it doesn’t really matter.  Sometimes I have to fall asleep sitting up, and then when I wake up in the middle of the night and think I can lay down, I get heartburn and have to sit up again.

There are other side-effects to baby-building as well…

• waking up at 4:30 for no good reason.  And staying awake.
• getting flour on the ever-growing belly
• really, really, really sore calves
• and charlie horses
• a once-deep belly button getting rather flatt-ish (still crossing my fingers it won’t poke out or anything)
• hips so sore I’ve already started waddling
• really quickly-growing fingernails
• extreme variations in appetite (sometimes, I feel like I could eat the whole world.  Sometimes, all I want is a bagel all day)
• everyone offering me the soft blue chair in my Danish class…

That’s no comprehensive list or anything but it’s what’s been happening recently (especially the flour on the belly thing).  And just now, I thought of my belly as a separate identity.  I was watching the baby dance around to some music I had playing, when I had to take one of my many potty-breaks, and as I was sitting there, I thought “oh man, I might be missing seeing the baby moving around out there!”  Then I remembered that I had, indeed, brought my belly into the bathroom with me.  And that I hoped the baby wouldn’t move around, because it always weirds me out when it does that when I’m on the toilet.

Andreas and I went to our first parent-preparedness class last night!  The night’s theme was more focused on the changing family dynamics, and how important it is to prepare and protect your relationship as a couple, which we’ve already talked about a lot, but it was exciting just to go to one of those classes.  We also got to play briefly with Legos, which was probably my favorite part of the night. There will be three more classes, the next will be about birth, the next about breastfeeding, and the last one will be after all of our babies have been born!  There were five other couples there (there were supposed to be three more) and I’m pretty certain they were all significantly older than Andreas and I, but I expected that, and it really doesn’t matter to me.  I’m much more excited for the next ones, as I think they’ll be more interesting, but this one was good in that it did give us more things to talk about, and start a lot of conversations.  Afterwards, we wandered around for a bit before finally deciding to eat at an indian restaurant where I ate a ridiculous amount of food.  The funny thing is that I was totally keeping an “eye” on how I was feeling.  I thought every once in a while “should I stop eating?” but I felt fine, and it was really delicious, so I just kept on going!  Then, the moment I stood up, I totally regretted it.  Oops.

But the weekend is starting, and Andreas is bringing home a package from the post office when he comes, which has our first cloth diapers in it!  Very excited, since this is the first thing we’ve bought for the baby besides six pairs of socks.  We’ve still got three months…that’s forever, right?

Sorry about the weird picture quality…we keep forgetting to take the camera off of “close-up” mode when we do these.

Note: I was supposed to post this a while ago, but decided to wait until I could include a picture.  Since then, the calves and hips have stopped hurting which is wonderful, and as of today, I’m apparently in my third trimester (and running out of clothes that fit)! 

Catch-up

So, I just realized that my last post was sort of a ditch of half-depression, and that I’d better get back to posting, lest everyone think I’m still living in perpetual “blah.”

I’m not, but honestly I’m not feeling the greatest yet either.  I’m still super stressed out about my test (both written and oral), fairly discouraged (depending on the day), and anxious about the future.  But…The trees are for real budding, and it hasn’t reached below freezing in probably two weeks now!  The bad news is that Andreas is still sick.  Still!  It’s been one thing after another, and if he isn’t sick for a day, he has allergies, but finally he’s going to see our doctor about it all and maybe get a referral to find out what he’s actually allergic to.  But his being sick meant that our three-day weekend (thank you Big Praying Day!), while not exactly a bust, wasn’t super fantastic either.  We’re crossing our fingers (yet again) for another good-weather weekend so maybe we can get out and do something FUN!  Like…you know…go downtown and use our Groupon deal at the super big candy store…

Danish classes have been going medium-well, probably.  The classes themselves are actually really good, and I feel like I get a lot out of them.  I’m also starting to feel comfortable with the other women in the class, so I’m generally not as nervous.  Except for today, when I had to give my little oral presentation in front of everyone, and my heart started pounding like crazy, and I spoke at a superhuman speed, and could barely catch my breath.  (Sorry, baby).

Hopefully we’ll still have quite a few writing assignments between now and the 22nd of May (which is the date of my written exam), and I can continue to get better.

In other news, I’m obviously pregnant.  As in, obvious to anyone who sees me.  I’ve been told I’m really big, I’ve been told I’m small, I’ve been told I’m having a boy, and that I’m having a girl.  I have yet to be offered a seat on the bus, but I don’t mind, since I’d usually turn one down, anyway.  Also, if it’s a short busride, I try to avoid sitting down, because I tend to forget to get off.  I’m not even going to pretend that’s due to what people call “pregnancy brain” because that’s just the fault of “Zeta’s brain.”

And in miscellaneous news, I made a chocolate-spotted cheesecake yesterday, and I am super duper looking forward to eating it, but I think I’m going to make myself wait until Andreas comes home today.  Just because.  I’ve also gotten a second (or, you know, seventeenth) wind with regards to the whole mealplanning/cooking thing.  I think it actually has something to do with the fact that when I have daytime classes, it’s super easy for me to stop at the grocery store on the way home.  This makes meal planning a bit less of a have-to-do-it-all-on-the-weekend-and-then-do-a-huge-shop sort of thing, and makes it a bit more flexible and fun, so I’m happy about that!  If I do the shopping by myself, it also gives Andreas and I a bit more time together in the evenings/weekends, and we’ve been using that time wisely.  By reading Mistborn out loud to each other…and the baby, as I realized today.

So now you’re mostly caught up, and I can maybe fit some of the more themed posts I had planned in the next few weeks.  We’ll see.  I’m trying to be easy on myself until my exams are over, since I’m super stressed out about them.

At risk of sounding emo…

I’ve been sad kind of a lot recently.  It’s a mixture of a lot of things: having a lot to do, being stressed about any one of the hundred things I have to be stressed about, and facing huge life changes (and little mini ones, too).  Part of what’s really hit me within the last week, though, is loneliness.

Not loneliness in that I never see anyone, or I have no one to talk to or care about.  But Andreas has been sick for a week straight now.  I’ve been on nursing duty, which I actually generally really like, but I’ve also felt a bit like I needed taking care of recently.  When Andreas is sick, he just can’t be there for me in the way that he normally is.  That isn’t to say that he doesn’t want to be, or try to be.  But when you’re trying to pour out your woes to someone who’s cutting you off with their coughing every other word, it just doesn’t seem worth it.

I guess it just made me realize (again) that when Andreas can’t be there for me, I don’t really have anyone else.  Sure, I have my family and my friends, but they’re all really far away and have their own lives with their own stuff going on.  And I don’t want a proverbial shoulder to cry on.  I want a real shoulder to cry on.  I wouldn’t say that I have a super hard time making friends, even though I do get really anxious, nervous, and shy.  But I’m well aware that it takes a long time to really create the kind of friendship that I’m yearning for, and amidst all my other worries and life changes, it just seems like it’s not going to happen.

I worry that of the friends I have left from my “old life,” having a baby is going to distance most of them even more than they already are.  I’ve also heard that having a new baby in the house can be extremely isolating, and I’m worried that since I’m having mine before I’ve made any real, strong, solid social ties here, I’m just further dooming myself.

I don’t mean to sound like a super-downer, and these feelings will pass at some point (and show up again at some point later, I’m sure), but I do want to keep this blog as a sort of real portrayal of what my life has been like after the move across the water and before/during the starting-a-family thing, and a big part of my reality is loneliness, or rather worrying about loneliness.

More positive post coming up soon, hopefully!

 

Dreams!

I have always, always been a really vivid dreamer.  That means that since I was a kid, I had awful nightmares (mostly about my dad being executed, or being run over by things) but also ultra-realistic good dreams (like the time I dreamt I got a kitten and it was sleeping on the en of my bed.  Boy was I sad to wake up that morning.)  But I’ve also just always had a lot of dreams.  A lot.  Which is probably the reason I tend to dream the same sort of dreams over and over.

When I got pregnant, my dreams kicked it up a notch.  I’m usually able to remember my dreams at least 3-4 times a week, but suddenly I was dreaming every night, all night.  I’ve dreamt the baby is a girl.  I’ve dreamt the baby is a boy.  I’ve dreamt the baby is five years old and I’m still pregnant with it.  I’ve dreamt the baby was a girl, but we had to give it up for adoption to three lesbians who were all married to each other, and then when we went to visit the baby a month later, it was a boy, nine years old, and had a full beard.

One dream I’ve had throughout my entire life is the buffet dream.  It’s always in different settings, with different foods, but the gist is this: I’m at a buffet and EVERYTHING looks good.  I take a little bit of everything, worrying the whole time that I’ll have to pay extra for taking too many of a certain category of food (this was sort of a big deal at our school lunches, so I think it’s an ingrained anxiety by now), and then…well, then I get to the dessert section, but my plate is already full!!!  But I end up taking a massive amount of desserts anyway, hoping that “eclairs” is its own food category, and then, before I get to eat, I wake up.  I’ve had that dream far, far too many times to count, but since I’ve moved to Denmark and been pregnant, it’s changed.

I still have the dream, but now, instead of everything looking really, really delicious, everything is sort of “meh.”  It’s not gross, but I don’t feel the need to take too much of anything.  I even had a candy store dream where I had specific candies I was going to look for, but they were all out, and nothing else really looked good to me.

Now, I’m going to go all dream-interpretty on you all.  All my life, I always felt like there were so many things that I wanted, that I needed that I was just waiting for, that I couldn’t get yet.  I wanted a certain toy, my own room, my mom to let me watch Friends, a boyfriend, to move out of the house, to have more time for friends, to marry Andreas, to move to Denmark, and always, always, to have babies.  Suddenly, I’m pretty content.  I have pretty much all the big things I’ve been reaching for.  Sure, I still have goals and little things that I want (like to be a midwife, and to have Skittles) but I’m thinking my dreams are reflecting my “no thanks, I’ve got what I need” attitude that I’ve been lucky enough to find for the time being!

Or maybe it just means that my belly is always so full of baby that there’s no room for dream-me to even want to gorge on delicacies.

As for all the rest of the weird dreams, they don’t mean anything.  Only this one.

Excuses, excuses!

Oops.

I forgot to write for a while, guys.  I have a bunch of excuses, but none of them are very good, so I’ll spare the space and just get one with a catch-up post!

Things are definitely starting to move faster, now.  When I was in the beginning weeks of my pregnancy, I would count down the days until I could be in the next week, longing for double digits and a sense of security that sort of comes with that.  Now that I’m smack dab in the middle of the fun part, I wouldn’t mind staying where I am for a while before I start to get really big, really heavy, and turn into that whale/elephant/hippopotamus I hear shows up in the eight/ninth months.

Life is also starting to move along at quite a pace!  The last week or two have been sort of out of the ordinary for us.  I took my module test for Danish, which went perfectly fine, but caused me to have a pretty busy and hectic week.  Then after a visit to our little niece, Andreas and I both came down with rough colds, and by the time we recovered from that, it was Andreas’s “spring break” which was also when his family came to visit for the long weekend, and we had a string of get-togethers which were all very lovely, but as usual, made me feel more homesick than usual.  No matter how much I feel accepted by and lucky to have Andreas’s family, every time I’m with them I’m rammed with double-feelings.  Happy to be with them, and suddenly really sad to not have my own family around.  I think it’s been a lot worse since I”ve been pregnant, and more prone to feelings in general, haha!

Anyway, this week is also quite busy, with just a lot of things going on, but I’m looking forward to tonight and the next few days where we can relax and get back into our normal routine again.

It also seems that spring has sprung, and although it’s a cold spring, it’s been sunny and above freezing (for the most part) for several days!  There are rumors of a snowstorm on Friday/Saturday, but I’m choosing to ignore them and be optimistic.

I’m also going to be starting a new daily routine as of next week.  I’m going to have Danish classes four days a week from 9-12 am, and the fourth day I”ll have my evening grammer class.  I’m excited to have a schedule, and a reason to get out of bed in the morning instead of stay cuddled up in bed with my laptop until nearly noon, and while I’m a bit nervous for starting what feels like a “real life” here, I’m sure it’ll be fine, especially once I get started.  The bad news is that I checked out the class schedule for the summer/fall, and I won’t be able to complete any of the six-week “modules” but I’m hoping that with maybe online classes combined with some real-life ones, I’ll be able to keep up with some of it.  We’ll see if I even care, come August…but I know it’s really important for me to keep going so I can go onto real school, and I know Andreas will help keep me on track.

For now, I’m going to bust out the puzzle I bought at the flea market last week (along with some other sweet finds), try to get into a real routine, and look forward to everything that’s to come (summer weather, baby, visit to the US) and forget about all the other things (big Danish test, cold weather, stress, and homesickness).

Well, this is kind of embarrassing…

So I promise that I have another mouth-watering cake post coming up (I know that it’s mouth-watering, because I just finished taking the photos and I almost drooled on the camera).  But before that, I have to write this post, which is less fun, and a lot more embarrassing.

For the past few weeks, Andreas and I have debated whether or not we should find out if the baby I’m growing is a boy or a girl.  At first, I was all for having a surprise, but as the ultrasound got closer, and I realized more and more how much easier it would be to gather all our baby-things if we knew the sex, it was pretty tempting to find out.  We were at a standstill, but the lovely woman from MontgomeryFest acted as a tie-breaker, and we decided we’d find out!  We wanted our friends and family who are far away, and excited about the coming baby, to be able to feel more “a part” of what’s happening.

So, the scan was scheduled for Friday, and after a late night on Thursday, I woke up at 4am.  And couldn’t go back to sleep.  I spent the morning baking cake in a half-stupor, only staving off a severe case of the grumpies because I was excited about our afternoon appointment.  Andreas came home early, and we set off for the hospital.  When we got there, the waiting room was rather full, and we waited a bit longer than usual.  When they called our name, we went into a sort of strange room, where a student was going to do the first part of the scan, and her teacher, the second half.

Now, I had planned to tell Andreas ahead of time that if they don’t offer to tell us the sex, or ask if we want to know, that he would need to ask.  I know myself well enough to know that I would have a hard time speaking up, especially when I’m on a table with goo on my belly and a stranger prodding around.  But in my sleepy stupor, I’d forgotten to tell him.  Now, when I get overtired, I don’t just get grumpy (although goodness, do I get grumpy), but I also get anxious.  While they were doing the scan, showing us all the heart chambers, and the halves of the brain, I was taking it all in, and filing it under “things to be grateful for” in my brain, but I was also desperately trying to get up the courage to ask about the sex.  I couldn’t seem to find the right Danish words, and I sent Andreas some pleading looks, but he mistook them for beaming joy or something, because he didn’t say a word.  I was so anxious, I was practically paralyzed, my mouth just wouldn’t move.  I couldn’t ask.

The woman tried to get some good photos (although the baby had its head buried somewhere around my hipbone) and then wiped off the ultrasound wand, and told me I could dry off my belly.  Andreas and I were left alone for a few minutes, while they filled out some paperwork, and I could finally spill what I’d been dying to tell him the whole time.  Turns out, Andreas forgot to ask.  He just completely forgot that we could probably find out the sex today.  He asked when they came back, but they said that they don’t look unless we ask, which we hadn’t, so we thanked them, and went on our way.

When I get tired, I’m also prone to overreacting, which I promptly did, as I tried in vain to hold back my tears on the way back to the bus stop.  I knew that I was being ridiculous.  We had a healthy, perfect-looking baby, and I hadn’t even been that set on finding out the sex until a few days before the scan.  But I knew, at the same time, that I wasn’t crying because we didn’t know if Baby Us is a boy or a girl.

I was crying because I felt helpless.  I felt vulnerable and cowardly and really out of my depth.  I felt like “how am I going to be a mother here?  I can’t even speak to people here.”  I was mad at myself, and so frustrated about my anxiety.  Even now, when I’m not overtired, and I’ve had plenty of time to get over the disappointment of not knowing, it brings tears to my eyes.  I know that I’m incredibly lucky.  I have a perfect-for-me, loving husband (who totally understood why I was crying), who I get to live with and see every day.  I get to live in the Magical Land of Denmark that enchanted me from the moment my plane touched down three years ago, and we have a baby on the way–something I’ve dreamed about since I was small.  I know that my life is wonderful, and I’m incredibly grateful.  But that doesn’t mean it’s been very easy, or that it will get a lot easier anytime soon.

It’s just discouraging when I feel like I can’t get over my anxiety enough to do a “normal people” thing, like asking a simple question.  Some days are better than others, but the bad days are still just as discouraging as they ever were.

The good news is, that even though my anxiety doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, my writing skills are improving a lot with the class in Danish grammar that I’m taking these days!  Hopefully in a few weeks, I’ll continue with this class, and also start the one to help me prepare for my big Danish test that’s coming up in May!  Crossing my fingers to get into a daytime class!