Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

I saw this blog challenge first here and then followed it back to the original post here.  I thought it was pretty neat, because I’ve been a bit more silent lately, and part of the reason is reluctance to share what’s going on, so I figured I’d take advantage of this challenge and be a little more transparent.

Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

1. I’m positive that I have serious issues with anxiety, both plain old social anxiety, and anxiety about life in general.  All this time to myself in this brand-new life that I wasn’t really prepared for has really magnified it all and brought them to my attention, and while I’m doing my best to fix it by myself, I don’t think I can.  The reason I’m most afraid to talk about it is that I don’t want to sound angsty and repeat myself all. the. time.

2. I’m actually pretty proud of the little things I do well, and I think about them when I’m feeling sad or a bit useless, even if I brush it off when people compliment me on them.  For example: typing quickly, knitting quickly, learning language well, writing poems, and sometimes baking.

3.  I’m so afraid that people will take my shyness as being standoffish or aloof that I tend to “overcompensate” by baking people treats, knitting them things, or leaving nice notes.

4. Sometimes, I need to be nicer to my husband.  And also, less stubborn.  I work on this every day, and I think I’m getting lots better.

5. I want children a ridiculous amount.  Seriously.  When I see a baby, my heart melts, when I hold a baby, I basically turn to jelly (not literally, though, phew!  Don’t worry, I won’t drop your baby!)  I browse pregnancy and baby blogs like nobody’s business, and I often feel like the only young, childless woman who does this.

6. I used to think I had really good self-esteem and body image.  Turns out, I just had a great body.  Even letting a few pounds of muscle laze their way into fat had turned me into a belly-fat-pinching, arm-fat-jiggling worrywart.  It’s gotten better, but it’s not great.

7. I feel guilty for being so afraid all the time and not enjoying this awesome experience of living abroad enough.  I feel like there are thousands of people who could “do it better” than I can.

8.  I like watching reality TV (like Top Model, Project Runway, 16 and Pregnant, and all the shows about families on TLC).

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11 thoughts on “Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

  1. Pingback: Things I’m Afraid To Tell You « Tomato and Lobster

  2. Pingback: Things I’m afraid to tell you « A new story…

  3. I completely understand and can relate to almost all of these. I too, want a baby so bad it is ridiculous. I am constantly on babble and other mommy sites, and I too feel like a weirdo for doing so. I am so glad that there is at least one other person out there that does that too. I’m probably going to steal this idea too. 🙂

    • I’m glad you did! I really like reading your posts, and eventually, I’m planning on making my own “Baby” side-blog, when the time comes.

  4. Zeta, what a great post. I’ll repeat what another commenter said – A lot of this sounds really normal and you are so right about how living abroad can really magnify things. That, too, is so, so normal. I think we sometimes believe there is a perfect version of our self that will eventually arrive, when actually the best thing we can do right now is simply start to like who we are. I’ve always said what makes a person “cool” to me is when they are totally okay with embracing the abnormal in themselves. By writing this post, sounds like you are doing just that.

    And you feel free to pop over any old time and stare at The Duchess. Don’t let her judgemental expressions put you off! If you were nearer, I’d even let you give her a squeeze, although she doesn’t stay still for long.

  5. I also feel like I do not take advantage of living abroad enough but when it is normal everyday life it is hard to see the charm living in a new place can have!

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