I’ve been sad kind of a lot recently. It’s a mixture of a lot of things: having a lot to do, being stressed about any one of the hundred things I have to be stressed about, and facing huge life changes (and little mini ones, too). Part of what’s really hit me within the last week, though, is loneliness.
Not loneliness in that I never see anyone, or I have no one to talk to or care about. But Andreas has been sick for a week straight now. I’ve been on nursing duty, which I actually generally really like, but I’ve also felt a bit like I needed taking care of recently. When Andreas is sick, he just can’t be there for me in the way that he normally is. That isn’t to say that he doesn’t want to be, or try to be. But when you’re trying to pour out your woes to someone who’s cutting you off with their coughing every other word, it just doesn’t seem worth it.
I guess it just made me realize (again) that when Andreas can’t be there for me, I don’t really have anyone else. Sure, I have my family and my friends, but they’re all really far away and have their own lives with their own stuff going on. And I don’t want a proverbial shoulder to cry on. I want a real shoulder to cry on. I wouldn’t say that I have a super hard time making friends, even though I do get really anxious, nervous, and shy. But I’m well aware that it takes a long time to really create the kind of friendship that I’m yearning for, and amidst all my other worries and life changes, it just seems like it’s not going to happen.
I worry that of the friends I have left from my “old life,” having a baby is going to distance most of them even more than they already are. I’ve also heard that having a new baby in the house can be extremely isolating, and I’m worried that since I’m having mine before I’ve made any real, strong, solid social ties here, I’m just further dooming myself.
I don’t mean to sound like a super-downer, and these feelings will pass at some point (and show up again at some point later, I’m sure), but I do want to keep this blog as a sort of real portrayal of what my life has been like after the move across the water and before/during the starting-a-family thing, and a big part of my reality is loneliness, or rather worrying about loneliness.
More positive post coming up soon, hopefully!