While I wait for Theo to be ready to eat, I thought I’d do a quick update. Things are still really up-and-down. How I feel depends so much on the day, and how much sleep I got, and how many naps Theo took, and how many hours he was fussy that I never really have an answer to “how are you?”. But I am surviving. I can say that much at least.
Theo’s had a couple of good days, but last night was that whole up-from-9-pm-until-4:30-am thing again. Even though it’s followed by a five-hour stretch of sleep (screaming really tires the little guy out), it’s so not worth it. I’m really not looking forward to Andreas going back to work on Monday. It’s not even the time he’s gone during the day that I’m worried about, it’s dealing with the late nights with a fussy Theo all by myself. Taking care of a baby is much, much harder in the wee hours of the morning when it’s dark and you feel like you’re the only one awake in the world. Staying sane during it is even harder.
We had a visit from the….health care worker, I guess I’ll call her. They do some routine visits with moms and babies after they’re born, which is really nice, because you can save up some questions to ask, and it’s usually a rather comforting visit, getting advice, being reassured that you’re not doing everything wrong, and that babies are just hard sometimes. But the visit came after one of the not-as-good nights, and I was tired, emotional, and not doing so well. This was rather obvious, as I started crying as soon as she asked how I felt about Andreas going back to work, and I don’t think I stopped until she left again. She scheduled an extra visit for next week to check up on me, and gave me an “assignment” to get out and take a walk with Theo in the baby carriage every day when Andreas is gone. The hardest part about that is probably going to be getting the baby carriage down the six steps and out the door, since it’s almost comically large compared to me, but I did a practice run yesterday, and I should be able to do it.
We had an outing yesterday, to the international parents group that I’m a part of. I wanted to go for the first time while Andreas was still home with me, as an outing into the middle of town with a baby on my own was a bit too much for me. I decided I’d also check out the H&Ms around there, as they didn’t have any nursing tanks in my size at the one nearest us. I was actually quite eager to go, as I’ve basically had two shirts to wear for the past several weeks, and I was getting tired of going around with milk, spit-up, and baby-pee stains on my shirt until wash day. So anyway, the parent group went relatively well, although there were many more moms than the past couple of times I’ve been. I think we were up to about 20 people!
Afterwards, we headed out to H&M on a nursing-tank hunt, but unfortunately everyone in Copenhagen is small, so after looking at three different locations, we gave up on ever finding some in that size and went home. Theo was a champ through the whole morning, sleeping through everything, and only waking up to nurse for a bit while we were at the parent group. Now why can’t that behavior carry through to nighttime?
As I sit here writing this (two days after I started it, actually), I look at him sleeping beside me on the couch with a mixture of dread and optimism. The thing is, he tends to start getting really hard to handle around this time of night (8 pm) and continues until around 3-5 am. We figure it’s a bellyache, mixed with overtiredness, but…he’s a baby, so we’ll never really know. So, every evening I get a sinking feeling in my belly as memories of last night come back to haunt me, but also a forced buoying optimism, trying to make myself believe that maybe tonight will be different–and that’s mostly what keeps me sane.
Andreas and I plan on having “cozy time” tonight, watching a movie (my pick!) with snacks and everything, which I’m really looking forward to, but cautiously, as it’s hard to cuddle when you’re passing a screaming baby back and forth, trying everything in our arsenal to just get him to shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Anyway, tomorrow is Andreas’s last day off before he returns to work, so here’s to hoping tonight is the turning point!