I’m sitting here, drinking my coffee on this Saturday morning afternoon–a thing that happens only when you’ve been up all night, and don’t get up until 12;30, don’t shower until 1, and don’t make your “morning” coffee until 2:30. It used to happen in college, when we’d work until eleven, order pizzas, and stay up late, late, late watching movies, cartoons, or Iron Chef America (which I must admit I really, really miss). Now it happens when I’ve been up with the baby at one, before I went to bed, then again at 3:30, 6:30, 9, and 11.
Things are not easier…yet. I still have faith that they will be at some point, which is a good sign. Yesterday was definitely one of the worst days, and it also happened to take place after one of the worst nights, and also on the day when Andreas was at work, then had after-work paintball with his fellow programming buddies, so I was alone. All day with a very grumpy, screaming, not-sleeping baby. Last night was much better, since Andreas was going to be home the next day, so he could help in the night. But while I’m still quite sleepy, there’s not that nagging feeling of desperation that appears when it’s just me and Theo–no one else to intervene, or to wake up and take the baby when I’m so tired that I can’t seem to make my hands work together (this happened while I was trying to burp him, and was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Then I realized that this lack of control over my body is probably what little Teddy bear feels at all times. He has my sympathy.).
So, in short, there are still some okay days, and some really awful days, and still some hope that there will be good days on the horizon.
If all else fails, I’m going to try giving up dairy. That’s when you know it’s serious.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand now for a photo dump: