That Sunday Night Feeling

You know what’s worse than Monday morning?  Sunday night.

Monday morning is never all that bad.  When I used to work early or have early class on Mondays, I’d look a bit disheveled, tired-eyed, and nod empathetically when someone said “Mondays, right?” but it was all a bit of a sham.  I actually kind of like Monday mornings.  Sure, I’m tired, but I’m not as burned-out as I was on Thursday.

But on Sunday, you know your me-time is almost over.  You know you’re facing another week, and you’re trying to gear up for it, but can’t really do anything yet.  Andreas gets pretty mopey on Sunday nights.  It’s tough, because I want us to enjoy all the time we have together, but there’s just this mood hanging over our little apartment on Sunday nights, and it’s hard to shake.

Yesterday was Andreas’s first day back at work since he left in October, and boy was it a doozy.  Not the actual first day of work, but that Sunday night.

Andreas was bummed, and I was nervous.  Suddenly, after weeks of having help, really whenever I needed it, I’d be on my own.  On my sleepy own with this little guy who, recently, has wanted my full attention 100% of the time he’s awake (and who hasn’t been a huge fan of being asleep).  It just got worse and worse, and I don’t know if Theo picked up on it, or if he had a belly-ache (as his machine-gun farts pointed to), but he was not having a good evening.  We tried to put him down, and he woke with a shriek after half an hour.  He would cry and cry and fought any of our attempts to help him get back to sleep.  And when we finally succeeded (three seperate times) he woke 15 minutes later, just as unhappy as he was before he fell asleep.

It was rough.  I was tired, anxious, and feeling seriously depressed.  I tried to stay present, but I was forced inside myself, and couldn’t even be there for Andreas.  We both had full-on break-downs.  It was basically the worst.  And I only write this because if someone else happens upon this blog at some point, and sees our cute pictures, and my posts about how much I love my family, my husband, my husband’s family, my new life, etc…I also want them to see this.  That there are moments were I so, so don’t love it all.  Where I feel like I’m not only not the best mom I can be, but am an awful mom.  I felt like I did not deserve my little Theo–like I never should’ve even thought about having babies.

I don’t think that now, of course.  I don’t think it when I’m lucid and it’s daytime, and my baby isn’t screaming.  I know it’s not true.  But in the dark hours, I think it, and I believe it.

So today, when Theo was napping, I thought I’d write in my journal.  I picked it up and realized I haven’t written in it since nine days before Theo was born.  I started writing, and figured out some stuff along the way.  First of all, I know that if I didn’t have Theo, I’d have hours even darker than those the other night, wishing I had Theo.  And second of all, just because I’m doing my best, doesn’t mean that I can’t do even better tomorrow.  I can’t do any better than my best, but I can hope that tomorrow, my best will be better than my best was today.

It’s not all peachy and baby giggles and belly noms.  Not even close.  But it’s good, and it is what I always wanted, and what I want now.  And it’s okay to have moments when you forget that, but it’s important that you remember again the next day, and hopefully make your best better.

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14 thoughts on “That Sunday Night Feeling

  1. You’re really good at writing, and I’m so glad you’re sharing your experiences to let others know what it’s like to be a mom. There are a lot of happy moments, but also those moments that are a bit tougher.. and now I’m writing like if I knew what it’s like haha! (I don’t). Erik always has those Sundays too, he never sleeps more than 5 hours the night before a Monday because he is thinking so much about work. I’m really glad I never have had troubles with sleep.

    • Thanks Alexandra! Just wanting to show real life 😉 I realized it’s so easy to just put positive things out there, and although it’s great to focus on the positive, it can make others feel insecure when they realize their life isn’t like that. I never really had much of a problem with sleep either, ,until the little man came along, haha! Now, I feel like if you let me, I could sleep 28 hours in a row 😉

  2. With Fredrik being sick over Christmas I had some of those dark early morning moments myself as he was only sleeping in two hour intervals and then wondering the house like a ghost and I cannot imagine how it must be for it to be a baby who cannot tell you what the problem is.

    • I’m sorry your Christmas was so rough (and I’m only getting around to replying on this now :P). It’s hard no matter who it is that’s sick or having troubles–glad things seem to be going better now!

  3. It’s true though, that’s real life (and when you know your partner is a keeper because a) they are right there with you when it goes frustratingly (there is a different phrase I want to put in there) and b) they totally love you, even when everything is stressful and everyone is yelling.
    I am 100% with you on the Sunday nights – my husband loathes them!

  4. Sunday nights are the absolute worst! I’ve always hated them more than Mondays. And there’s nothing worse than a Sunday night after a long vacation.

    I just wanted to tell you that I find your blog and writing very inspiring. As a fellow expat in Denmark, reading about how you dealt with the move to the same country is encouraging and helpful. But more specifically, my husband and I are thinking of possibly, maybe starting our family while we’re here, alone and away from family and help. So reading about how you two are able to do it is very encouraging. I know there are these dark moments, and it’s what scares me the most when thinking about doing this, being on my own without any help during these moments. But reading about how you guys do it and get through it and have wonderful moments as well is very encouraging. So thanks for writing! (And your little knitted pink sweater is adorable!)

    • I hope I’m not scaring you off too much! I know my writing hasn’t been the most positive, but like I said, I want to show both sides–and let people like us know that if they do have a baby, so far away from family, in this new place where you don’t even know what a “sparkedragt” is, it’s okay to not feel happy All The Time. And also, one thing that’s *almost* nice about having family across the ocean is that in the middle of the night, it’s only late evening for them, so you can always call 😉 Despite how hard it is sometimes, I can’t help but want to encourage anyone who’s thinking of having a baby to take the leap, haha!

      • Ooo, that’s a very good point about the time difference allowing for more phone calls. Very positive spin! 🙂

        You’re not scaring me off. In fact, it’s more calming, in a way, to read what you’re going through. Because it’s everything I expected, but I can see you guys working through it and still having all the great times. In many ways, it’s all parenthood no matter where or when you have the baby.

        I am getting a little worried, though, now that you’re throwing new vocabulary at me. I was proud of myself that I knew what a barnevogn was, but I have no idea what a sparkedragt is! That’s one of my big worries: just the amount of research and translation the whole thing would take. It’d be like 5x the normal new-parent research because the system is so new and different.

      • (Just googled sparkedragt. I see now. Is this the same word for those giant, puffy waterproof suits or are those called something different? Because those are adorable!)

      • Those are flyvedragter, and you’re right–they’re super adorable! The whole thing was a bit overwhelming when I was pregnant, but it all kind of just got sorted–I got used to the new vocabulary, and now I hardly notice (in fact, I forget the English words for baby stuff sometimes now!) And if it happens while you’re here, you’ve got a contact with first-hand experience 😉

      • I kind of know what you mean. I already think of some of the food here by its Danish name. I’ll keep that in mind 😉

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