Today

Today, I woke up at 7, amazed that Theo hadn’t eaten all night (first time!), though of course, he did still wake up…

I talked with a friend while Andreas took over Theo duty, skyped with my niece until I had to make breakfast for Theo, then scatterbrained about while I got dressed, did my makeup, made and drank coffee, and got the diaper bag packed.  I was (surprisingly) out the door on time for mom group, which I had decided to walk to so that Theo could get in a decent nap.  Two minutes after I left, my phone died.

Of course, he woke up halfway through the walk anyway, but we got to group a bit early, so I could get us some food and get settled before the other moms showed up.  We all chatted and laughed, exchanged stories, and it was awesome.  It was the first time that I wasn’t nervous on my way, and I wasn’t nervous while I was there, and since two of the moms were ladies I’d seen the past few weeks in a row, it felt really comfortable, and I was so happy, and so was Theo, I guess, because he clapped for the first time.

I stayed a bit late, since I knew Theo was going to fall asleep the moment we left anyway, and I decided to walk back home, hoping he’d nap the whole time (an hour) rather than taking the bus (where he’d only sleep for about 10 minutes) and spending three bucks to get home.  Of course, it started sprinkling, then raining, and by the time I was halfway home, it was pouring buckets.  The stroller has a rain cover, but I didn’t, and when I walked in the door, I was actually dripping.  My shoes were soaked through, my mascara was smeared, and I was still surprisingly cheerful.  I changed into sweats, had lunch, Theo had second-lunch and gnawed on the coffee table.  There was a failed nap, more playtime, decaf coffee, and then a real nap.  As soon as Theo was down, I collapsed, curled up onto the couch and immediately fell asleep until he woke up.

I made s’mores using digestive biscuits which is totally lame, and isn’t very good.  Andreas ate leftovers and rushed out the door to his meeting, and I fumbled my way through making cheese sandwiches for our dinner while Theo crawled around with some recycling and a small pot.  We had a little more playtime, and bedtime which dragged out for nearly an hour, since Theo now knows how to sit up, stand up, and promptly cries until I go in, lay him back down, get him all cozy and leave, at which point it repeats until I finally give up and sit there while he falls asleep.

Then, though I should have just gone to bed, I stayed up for an hour because I needed more than one minute to myself (awake) and waited for Andreas to come home when I’ll probably go to bed.

And that was today.  In case you were wondering.

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Frump.

I feel like I’ve been stuck in a cycle of frump for the longest time now.

It started about halfway through my pregnancy with Theo.  That’s when most of my stuff stopped fitting me, and slowly my wardrobe dwindled down to two pairs of shorts, a pair of pants, two shirts and two dresses (one of which I used as a shirt half the time).  And most of this was striped because that’s what H&M carried in their maternity section.  Now, I wasn’t complaining, as I’m a big stripe-fan, and most of my non-pregnancy clothes are also striped.

But I think I just hit my stripe-wall.  When Theo was born, I wore mostly sweatpants and nursing tanks for a few weeks, and after that, jeans and nursing tanks.  And then add in a few t-shirts ( long and short sleeved) and that’s pretty much my entire wardrobe.  I think I wore a skirt a couple of times.  Now, there’s nothing wrong with basics, but when it’s all you’ve got, it’s So. Boring.  Also, I’m down to two pairs of (nearly identical) jeans now that one of them has a big hole in the knee (okay, okay, yes, I still wear them anyways…).  So, when my sister-in-law came to visit for a few days, we went SHOPPING!  I’ve been excited about this for a long time.  And especially since I watched two seasons of What Not to Wear lately.  We decided that we’d challenge ourselves to try on things we’d normally just pass over.  And my extra rules were: no stripes and no dresses.

And we totally did it!

I got quite a few new things that really add some variety into my wardrobe, and it gave me such a pick-me-up.  It makes me feel more like I matter, and I’m a real person, too, not just Theo’s mom.

Now if I could just figure out what to do with my hair…

Sick Day

This post isn’t titled “Sick Day” because I’m having one, or I had one.  It’s titled that because I needed one.

Since Theo’s been born, I’ve been more sick than usual.  No doubt because I’m getting less sleep than I ever have before.  And I suddenly realized how wonderful it was to be sick before I had a baby.  I think I actually wrote a post about how secretly nice sick days are, but I can’t find it anymore, so no link.  But the gist was that, as not-fun as it is to be sick, it’s actually kind of nice to have a legitimate reason to put off your responsibilities, and spend the day in bed watching television.  And it is.  But now, being sick just stinks.

Because now, when I’m sick, I don’t get to sleep 12 hours straight to “sleep it off.”  I get to sleep small stretches between baby-feeding and baby-settling and baby-stinky-diaper-changing, because that baby doesn’t sleep just because you want to.  I don’t get to lounge on the couch all day and watch TV because Theo needs me to pick him up, make him breakfast, feed him breakfast, clean him (and a 3-foot-radius) after breakfast.  And then he needs to use me as a jungle-gym, because as much as I’d like to just snuggle, Theo doesn’t snuggle.  He pulls himself to standing using my hair, and tries to bite my big toe, which is actually a problem now that he has teeth.

So anyway, my point is that I’m super jealous of people who have regular jobs, and when they’re sick, they can take a sick day and stay home and rest and not get their toes bitten.  But at the same time, if I was one of those people who had a regular job, I’d be jealous of the people that get to stay home with a really cute, hilarious, amazing (albeit really cranky for the past week) baby all the time.

Hoodie

So…I guess I’ll just be glad that the Worst Cough of My Life is just about gone, and move on to better things (like deciding what to bake today).

The Cough also kept me home from what was going to be my second outing without Theo since he was born.  I found a knitting group!  It meets fairly close-by and I was SO EXCITED to go.  I mean, really, really excited.  And then I almost coughed out a lung, and decided it was best for everyone if I didn’t cough all over them, so I stayed home.  The next meeting is in three weeks (but of course, I can’t go because Andreas has a conference thing), so…I guess I’ll go next month.

But at least things are looking up at the moment.  The weather’s warm, if super-dreary and threatening, Andreas’s family is coming at some point in the next couple weeks to see Theo (yay!) which I’m excited about because goodness knows I like to show off my little baby-man, and I’m sure I’ll get to that knitting group at some point, and maybe, hopefully, make some friends!

One last thing: Theo’s really getting good at army-crawling/rolling around, and is doing a frightening amount of rocking on his hands and knees.  Hide your laptop cords (and books and pieces of paper, and pens, and knitting needles and candles…) everyone!  This baby’s on the move.

This Is Where We Are

I’m linking up with Rachel at make a long story short today in her Mothers’ Day write-a-letter-to-your-baby(ies) idea–to take stock, and maybe remember how it used to be, when these long baby-full days are in the past, and my little Theo is suddenly difficult to give  a haircut to because he’s just so tall.

Dear Future Theo,

Today, as I sit in the living room, and you sleep peacefully in your crib, I feel like I could wax poetic about being your mother–the one your (already-sticky) fingers cling to for safety, whose cheek you slobber lovingly on, and whose distorted belly-button, it seems, you will never be done exploring. And though life’s not all sunny days and hot coffee right now, there’s a good deal of both of those, and I’m grateful to be your mom.

At the moment, only Mama will do.  You even squirm in Papa’s arms, and reach out towards me.  I love this, as I’ve always, always looked forward to being The One, but I don’t think I ever realized how overwhelming it is to be The Only One that a tiny person wants.

(Three Days Later) Goodness knows I’ve been trying to finish this letter for days, but I’ll give it one last push, as you’re still asleep, and I wearily hope that you’ll stay asleep for another hour or so.  I’m sitting down to an afternoon cup of coffee, which is decaf, but really shouldn’t be, as my eyes are drooping, just like yours do, when your nap is a bit late, and the pinky veins in your eyelids get pinker.

I thought I’d already learned patience.  I thought I’d learned patience as I spent three years waiting to marry your Papa.  I thought I’d learned patience as I spent the next year waiting for a visa to Denmark.  Again, I thought I was a master of patience after waiting the full 42 weeks for your arrival.  But I had no idea how many oceans of patience I would need to survive you.  The good news is that I am getting more patient. Patient enough to calmly remove your dagger-fingernails from my skin without yelping.  Patient enough to look you in the eye in the middle of a fuss-pot, melt-down day and just say “Theo, I love you, but goodness knows I don’t now what you want.” instead of yelling “For goodness’ sake what do you want?!”  Patient enough to play pick-me-up-put-me-down-again until you’re tired of it (which, trust me, is asking a lot).

You are my biggest challenge, but especially now that the days are bringing more light, I am really feeling the joy.  Your new hobby is peeking.  Peeking around anything to see what might be behind it.  Peeking around Papa to see Mama, peeking around Mama to see the wall, peeking around the corner to see whatever else there is to see.  The world is big, but you open your eyes even wider, and make sure you see all of it.

Today, as I was wrangling you, trying to keep you away from wires, switches, hot cups of coffee, and my knitting needles, I thought “this is so hard!!!!!” And then I had to laugh, because I can only imagine myself thinking back on these days and being nostalgic about how easy it was to just pick you up and take you away from wires and needles, and how much harder the next phase is going to be, and the one after that, and the one after that.

So for today, and this week, I will be patient.  I will babyproof, because we really, really need to.  And I will enjoy this phase.  The one where everything but your toys is interesting, and you can almost scootch/crawl, but end up sort of swimming in place, and you are not happy unless I’m within reach.  Because this phase is hard and easy and won’t ever come again.

Love,

Mama

monkey