Theo still slept through the night, and I haven’t fallen sick yet again, so it appears fate wasn’t paying much attention to me yesterday. However, today, I just thought about starting a post on how things are starting to feel normal again, and how I haven’t felt like I was losing my mind in more than a week, so…of course, I’m losing my mind today.
It’s not that horrible, but Theo is just being a bit of a monster, and as I decided to do two batches of refried beans today, my head was just in too many places at once. I found out last week, that the reason all my bean-cooking ventures have ended badly (or just plain late, as they take a good five to eight hours to cook) is that we have terribly hard water. But before I learned this, I tried cooking some black beans. I babysat those beans ALL DAY, adding water every hour or so, testing over and over again. I put them on around 8 am, checked on them all day, and then….at four thirty…I burned them. Like, really, really burned them. So today, I set timers every 5-10 minutes, stirred and stirred and stirred, and managed to not burn them! Although I think my brain is completely fried. I just feel mentally done with the whole day.
But even on hard days like this, I can plainly see that it is nowhere near as difficult as it once was. I may have gone a bit crazy today, but I didn’t take it out on Theo, I didn’t yell, or kick anything. I didn’t even cry. I just got through it, knowing that it would eventually be naptime, and there would come a time when he is not gritting his teeth, and lo and behold, it is naptime, and I had the time to clean, eat lunch, clean again, and have some ice cream, and this day will be over, and I will probably get to sleep a whole night (at least until five-something, which is good enough for me!). And it’ll be okay.
It feels like a new normal, and I think it feels that way, finally, because I am getting sleep–and not broken-up-into-pieces sleep, but whole good chunks of sleep. And I’m a better mom for it, and a better wife. And just a better person altogether, I think. And life seems to be settling down. Our meals are planned, and cooked, and cleaned up every day. I have time to bake, and blog, and the house is relatively tidy (in my humble opinion). We’re going to parties, meet-ups, and out to do family activities.
Yesterday, we went out for a long walk. Theo fell asleep, so on the way home, we stopped by a beautiful grassy spot, spread out the blanket, and had a mini-date while Theo snoozed away. It was wonderful, to have some time to talk, cuddle, and eat fresh salsa and chips, and we talked a bit about how life feels now, compared to pre-Theo.
As everyone knows, I had crazy baby-fever. I wanted a baby so badly. And I didn’t really care about vacations, getting to do whatever we wanted, sleeping in on the weekends, etc. I just wanted a baby. Now that we have one, we can both agree that life was easier, and maybe objectively “better” before we had Theo, but that there’s no way we would choose to rewind and go back to that life. Now, life is much, much fuller. Like…like we’re finally wearing shoes that fit, instead of shoes a couple sizes too big. And of course it’s tough, and we’re tired, but it’s somehow right. And now that we’ve really fallen into our groove as a family, it’s wonderful.
It’s taken a long time, but I feel like we’ve come out of the baby-fog. And although we have absolutely no plans to do this soon, I can see us having another baby at some point. While we were still in the thick of it with Theo, we frequently thought to ourselves “how on earth could we ever, ever do this again?” But at this point, we know we will, and that we can. If we did it once, and came out the other end, better than we were before, we can do it again.
But right now, we’re just happy to be a family. A normal family, a good family, just us. We finally feel like us and I can’t say how relieved I am to feel like life is do-able again.