Today, we picked up my new bike. It’s a beauty, and I’m so excited, but there’ll be another post on that. This one is about our savings and how they’re disappearing before our eyes.
We’ve been really good at saving. We usually don’t spend much more than we really need to. Andreas has a good job, and we’ve been living fairly cheaply (for Copenhagen), so over the past year and a half, we’ve saved up quite a bit. But suddenly, we had to pay for our new apartment deposit, a nearly $2,000 dentist bill, four new appliances, two bikes, and everything that goes with them, and we still haven’t bought the extra furniture we’ll need for the (much, much) bigger (and more expensive) place.
These are all things we need, but that doesn’t really make it easier to see the money disappear. Especially now that our rent is being doubled and we won’t be able to save up as quickly (if at all) anymore. This has me thinking about a job. We won’t be going into debt, and we’re not irresponsibly throwing away all of our money, but spending everything that we earn every month makes me uncomfortable.
I’ve considered running a home day care here (with just one or two other little ones), but I’m also really attracted to the idea of working out in the Real World. Both have their pros and cons, but to be honest, I’m feeling so insecure that neither of them sound feasible. How will I come in contact with people who need my daycare services? What if it was too isolating? What if I met people who wanted a home daycare, but they just didn’t like me? And the other options are even scarier. How the heck do I start writing a Danish CV? I still haven’t gotten up the courage to go to the Job Center yet, probably partly because I’m afraid they’re going to tell me that getting a job that has to do with writing/editing/language is a completely unattainable goal, and that I should aim for food service–a field in which I have an abundance of experience and absolutely no interest in continuing.
The real, concrete worst case scenario is that I can’t get a job or find any way to make money, and we just have to be extra careful with our spending. But what I’m really terrified of is the extra blow to my self esteem and confidence that I just don’t feel I can afford. I haven’t had the opportunity to get out there, and really try yet. And now that I do, I’m just not sure I can handle the rejection.
But at some point (that point being in the next few weeks), I’m going to have to just…do it. As oversimplified and generic as that sounds, I will. I’ll have to go to the Job Center, and maybe the person will tell me that it doesn’t look good. But the most important thing to me is that, even if that does happen–and I have to hold back some tears, and face dingy, unimproved options–at least I have Andreas to come home to. If I cry about that, he will understand, because he’s the best, and Theo’s the best. And even if I get a super lame job, or no job at all–the important people are still there–sharing grapes, fake burping, and needing me. Because regardless of what I’m worth to anyone else, I’m kind of the bee’s knees around here.