I open Chrome, one page to jobindex, one to jobnet, and scroll through the pages of listings. Half of me is hoping to find lots of listings today–some sign that there are jobs out there that I would be good at, am qualified for, might, possible, just maybe get hired to do. Half of me dreads the hours spent agonizing over cover letters, and sort of hopes that there just isn’t really anything that applies to me, that I can just keep staying home with my Theo-guy.
Sometimes, I don’t want to get a job. I don’t really know if that’s just because I’m scared of starting something new (which I undoubtedly am), or if it’s because I just really don’t want to leave Theo every day.
Sometimes, I’m afraid I won’t get a job. Sometimes I’m afraid I won’t get a job at the same time that I’m afraid that I will. It’s all very confusing.
Add confusing to difficult and discouraging, and the job search is less fun than a job search usually is (which is not really very fun at all). What was already like, a -2 on the fun scale is now a -9. (For comparison, cleaning the bathroom is a 0, playing Settlers of Catan a 9).
And then there’s the issue of Theo in daycare. Although we already decided to start him in January, and we have it all set up, I still am having doubts. There are reasons it’s a good idea: more time for my job search, can actually go to interviews (provided I actually getone at some point), we can choose the daycare he goes to instead of having to go with an emergency option, and he’ll be regularly exposed to Danish. But I’m just worried that this job search will be one of those that last a year and a half, and we don’t have the resources to keep him in daycare for a year and a half on one income…
I’ve thought about holding off until he’s 2, just casually job-hunting until then, but I want to have worked for a while before we have another baby, and I don’t want to have to wait on account of not having a job, etc.
It’s just one of those situations where you wish someone could tell you what to do–what is wisest…or that you could just peek into the future. Just this once! But all we can do is guess, try, and do our best, hoping that that’s enough and that it will all work out “in the end.”