I don’t have any resolutions for 2015.
I usually have a couple, a few things I want to focus on or work on. But right now is not the right time for me to make a resolution. If anything, my resolution is to make it through.
2015 is bringing big changes to my life. Again. I can’t tell you how many times my Life has Changed over the last several years. The first big changes was heading off to college from the shelter of my parents’ house. The next, meeting Andreas. Then graduating, getting married, getting a real job, moving to Sweden, moving to Denmark, and having Theo. Every change has been something to look forward to, something I really, really wanted. But since Theo was born, I’ve been home with him, and while I wouldn’t say things have been exactly stale, I haven’t really felt the “on the verge of change” feeling in a while.
But it’s back. Theo is starting daycare on Monday, at a nice in-home daycare nearby, and I’m on the job hunt for real. Not that I wasn’t trying before, but now that Theo will be away from home, I’m really feeling the pressure to be employed. But this time, I’m not excited about the change. That glow of anticipation–the something’s-going-to-be-better-now-than-it-was-before feeling is missing. My life is changing now, but this time, I almost don’t want it to.
It’s not that I’m not excited about the prospect of working. I’m actually looking forward to a new job, starting to work in Denmark, possibly really starting a career, etc. It’s also necessary. I need to have been working for a while before we start thinking about a small brother or sister for our Theo, and I’m also hoping it will be another opportunity to meet people and start friendships her ein Denmark.
But at this point, before it all happens, I’m dreading it. I’m mourning the life I’ve had the last year and a half. It’s the end of an era. It’s the end of Theo and me–buddies–together–home–play dates. It’s what’s right, and what we need to do, but it’s just not something I’m excited about.
I know it’s a bit silly, but part of me feels like this also marks the end of the upswing of my life. Everything up until now has just been getting better and better (with the exception of middle school), and now maybe it won’t be like that anymore. Or maybe I’m just trying to find bigger reasons to be this sad, than just that I don’t get to spend every one of Theo’s waking moments with him. But in all honesty, that’s totally reason enough to be this sad.
But anyway, onto hopes!
Instead of resolutions, I’m having hopes for 2015. I already know that I’m going to work as hard as I can towards the things that I want, so I’m going to put my hoping efforts into it too. I hope I’ll get a job–one that I’m thankful for, and enjoy. I hope Theo will do well in daycare. I hope we make a trip to the US so I can see my family. I hope to build some new friendships, but more importantly, keep up the ones I already have.
Andreas and I were talking just before bed yesterday, sort of realizing together how different our entire life might look next year at this time. And while it’s scary right now, while I’m on the verge of everything, thinking about the new changes gradually becoming our daily life makes me just a little calmer.