Alive and Anxious

I have been thinking a lot lately about all the bloggers I miss, and how I get excited when I see a post from someone I haven’t “heard from” in a while.  And then I realize that I haven’t posted in an age and a half, and even though I’m not a very important blogger, there might be someone who says “oh goodie, Zeta posted again, and…whew!  There’s a picture of her very cute son!”  

One can hope, anyway.

The thing is, I have had neither much time nor much energy to post.  I started Danish school again, and we foolishly did an enormous IKEA shop that weekend, so I have been up to my earlobes in homework and projects, not to mention this terrible pressure and stress of planning for the future.  

But, if I just ignore the anxiety that is gnawing at me in the “future” area, the rest seems doable, if not very easy.  The truth is, that this little class seems to be pushing me to my limits, stress-wise.  Thanks to two-year-molars and new-school-year anxiety, I haven’t slept particularly well in five or six weeks now. Even though class only meets three days a week (four hours each time), that’s a lot for someone used to a lot more freedom.  I’ll say it: I was spoiled.  I was doing all the housework, but Theo was in daycare for a several hours a day, and although job searching is stressful in its own right, it’s not the same I-literally-do-not-have-time-to-to-do-this sort of stress as it suddenly is when I’m doing everything I used to do, and also having class, and commuting an hour each way, and having homework and looming exams and even less certainty about the future than I did during my college years.  

It is strange being in class again, and I think I have hit another langauge plateau recently.  I learned enough that I started noticing all of my mistakes, and my mispronunciation,  but lacked the knowledge to fix them, which leaves on feeling rather hopeless and forlorn.

I feel like I am about to crumple.  I feel as if my poor worried head is about to topple right off my tense neck.  And then, to make matters worse, I think to myself, “if you can just barely handle this, how are you going to ever go to eat school, or have a real job–even part-time, let alone full!”

I am being a big old meanie to myself, and it’s really not helping the vicious anxiety cycle, but it’s hard to know what will!

But, at least there are some things that pause the vicious anxiety cycle, and one of the best ones is my Theo.  I can’t ever say it enough, but Theodore is hilarious.  I don’t think anyone has made me laugh as much as he has in his two years of being alive.  We have conversations now, and he remembers things that happened during the day and tells me about them.  I wouldn’t say anymore that he is the easiest toddler ever, but I still feel like we got a lucky break, and I think that’s all I can ask for.  Except maybe a job.  I would like to ask for that, too. 

These two accidentally opposite-matched the other day, and I couldn’t get over it.  


6 thoughts on “Alive and Anxious

  1. I’m glad to see a post from you! Although it’s no good that life’s being so anxiety-provoking. Learning a new language is huge and hard and head-doing-in, as is having a toddler (even an easy on), so I’m not surprised things are a bit overwhelming. I think it’s very impressive, what you’re doing. Thanks for finding time to post.

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