Dreams!

I have always, always been a really vivid dreamer.  That means that since I was a kid, I had awful nightmares (mostly about my dad being executed, or being run over by things) but also ultra-realistic good dreams (like the time I dreamt I got a kitten and it was sleeping on the en of my bed.  Boy was I sad to wake up that morning.)  But I’ve also just always had a lot of dreams.  A lot.  Which is probably the reason I tend to dream the same sort of dreams over and over.

When I got pregnant, my dreams kicked it up a notch.  I’m usually able to remember my dreams at least 3-4 times a week, but suddenly I was dreaming every night, all night.  I’ve dreamt the baby is a girl.  I’ve dreamt the baby is a boy.  I’ve dreamt the baby is five years old and I’m still pregnant with it.  I’ve dreamt the baby was a girl, but we had to give it up for adoption to three lesbians who were all married to each other, and then when we went to visit the baby a month later, it was a boy, nine years old, and had a full beard.

One dream I’ve had throughout my entire life is the buffet dream.  It’s always in different settings, with different foods, but the gist is this: I’m at a buffet and EVERYTHING looks good.  I take a little bit of everything, worrying the whole time that I’ll have to pay extra for taking too many of a certain category of food (this was sort of a big deal at our school lunches, so I think it’s an ingrained anxiety by now), and then…well, then I get to the dessert section, but my plate is already full!!!  But I end up taking a massive amount of desserts anyway, hoping that “eclairs” is its own food category, and then, before I get to eat, I wake up.  I’ve had that dream far, far too many times to count, but since I’ve moved to Denmark and been pregnant, it’s changed.

I still have the dream, but now, instead of everything looking really, really delicious, everything is sort of “meh.”  It’s not gross, but I don’t feel the need to take too much of anything.  I even had a candy store dream where I had specific candies I was going to look for, but they were all out, and nothing else really looked good to me.

Now, I’m going to go all dream-interpretty on you all.  All my life, I always felt like there were so many things that I wanted, that I needed that I was just waiting for, that I couldn’t get yet.  I wanted a certain toy, my own room, my mom to let me watch Friends, a boyfriend, to move out of the house, to have more time for friends, to marry Andreas, to move to Denmark, and always, always, to have babies.  Suddenly, I’m pretty content.  I have pretty much all the big things I’ve been reaching for.  Sure, I still have goals and little things that I want (like to be a midwife, and to have Skittles) but I’m thinking my dreams are reflecting my “no thanks, I’ve got what I need” attitude that I’ve been lucky enough to find for the time being!

Or maybe it just means that my belly is always so full of baby that there’s no room for dream-me to even want to gorge on delicacies.

As for all the rest of the weird dreams, they don’t mean anything.  Only this one.

Goals, accomplishments, and a little boasting

So, guess what I just finished reading last week!

Here’s a hint:

Yes!  I’ve finished the first Harry Potter book in Danish!  I read the whole thing out loud to Andreas, reading a bit every night for a few weeks.  Finishing it feels like a big step in being comfortable with Danish, and more than that, it feels like progress.  During the past half a year, it has been obvious that I’ve been lacking any feeling of accomplishments, as I’ve been feeling really stuck.  Without a job or being in school, I don’t have goals that are set for me, or set milestones to reach.  I’m not taking any Danish classes, so I can’t feel good about acing a test, so it’s nice when I do have a concrete feeling of accomplishment like this.

Upon finishing the first book, I headed to the library to get the next.  I knew where the Danish language books were, but I couldn’t find it there.  Normally, I try to avoid asking for help, but I needed that second book, so I asked the librarian, who looked it up and told me I’d find it in the children’s section, and that before I went in, I’d have to take my shoes off.  A bit puzzled, I left my shoes among the others at the threshold, and realized the children’s section is set up as a mini-playground with areas to climb, and nooks and crannies to read in, while the books are tucked into shelves underneath and around the play-spaces.  This is wonderful for children wanting to explore, but for an already-confused foreigner, it wasn’t very conducive to finding the book I was looking for.  I saw the Harry Potter series nearly a dozen times, each time realizing as I pulled out a book, that it was not in Danish but in French, Arabic, or Spanish.  I finally approached the children’s section librarian to ask for help, and was rewarded with Harry Potter og Hemmelighedernes Kammer!

I recently re-discovered Goodreads, a website I was a part of previously, but never used.  I’m realizing how useful it is, and have happily spent a few hours puttering around before I decided to set myself a reading goal for 2012.  Since time has been moving so quickly, I can’t fully comprehend that it’s September already, for goodness’ sake.  So, unfortunately, my goal of 50 books read by the end of 2012 may be a bit too ambitious, but I’m going to try anyway!  In my mind, it was about mid-April, and I still had eight months to complete the rest of the books.  However, I have a lot of free time, and I’m hoping also that the goal will encourage more frequent trips to the library, and having a reason to get out of the house is always a good thing.

In other goal-related news, my running has been going so well!  I can’t recommend the C25k program enough.  I’m on week seven (out of nine) and still going strong.  The worst was week one, the “couch-to-getting-off-the-couch” week, but since then, it’s felt like a series of accomplishments, and conquering things I’ve never done before.  I find it difficult not to talk about it a lot (as is pretty normal with a new passion) but I’m also just really excited that I’ve stuck with something this long!  Having no tennis shoes, I had to buy running shoes, and although I got them on ridiculous clearance, and so didn’t pay nearly as much as I originally thought I’d have to, it was still an investment, and something I knew I couldn’t just use a couple of times and then give up on.  Also, investing in a good pair of running shoes, I believe made it easier to continue as I haven’t had any foot, knee, or back pain (and I used to have a lot of trouble with my knees).  Since I’ve been so good about running regularly, I recently bought winter running clothes (pants and a light jacket) for the soon-to-be-coming winter weather.  Not only does this make me more likely to run, but it makes me look forward to the cooler weather, instead of mourning the loss of summer.

So as far as accomplishments go, I’ve been feeling really good!  I’m still adjusting to where I live.  My natural instinct when living with others, is to keep to myself and keep things neat and tidy, leaving things as I found them, and in general, making it seem like I don’t live there at all.  I have to constantly remind myself that my sister-in-law doesn’t actually want to live alone, and likes company, so I try to come out into the living room, even if I’d be just as comfortable in my bedroom, and to ask questions and start conversations, even if it’s still a bit nerve-wracking to speak in Danish, and I often get a bit tongue-tied.

So I’ve been doing alright.  With the exception of a few people I talk to every day, I’ve given up answering “how are you?” with how I’m feeling that day, as it changes so drastically, and so often.  Now, my standard answer is “oh, I’m okay, up-and-down, but on average, I’m doing well.”  Meanwhile, I still get excited every time I hear mail drop through the slot, even though no news has come for either my Swedish or my Danish visa, although last night I dreamed that we were moving within six weeks because I’d gotten my Danish visa!  However, I also dreamed (again, for the third time in a month) that I was pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl.  I’ve given up on thinking my dreams are any way clairvoyant, but they’re nice while they last, anyway.

Dreams

I dreamed last night that my residence card came in the mail, but that I had to go be on America’s Next Top Model to get my picture taken for it.  Sadly, I also dreamed that my mom had another baby (17 years after the youngest) and named it Fab Yellow Submarine Moser, so I don’t think the residence card dream is a very trustworthy prophecy of what is to come.

However, when I called my mom to tell her my doofy dream, we also ended up talking about other things, and I mentioned how getting a KitchenAid mixer has been one of my “dreams.”  There’s something about a KitchenAid that represents more than just a kitchen appliance.  It means I will make bread every other day and my own noodles!  I can just imagine it whisking and beating frosting into a perfectly fluffy finished product, and warning my curious young children to keep their fingers away from it (and seeing in their eyes the desire to touch it, just to see what would happen).  And speaking of dreams, these curious young children are the most-dreamed-about-of-all.

The reason I mention all of this (aside from “because I haven’t done anything noteworthy in the past week to warrant a blog post”) is because I’ve been thinking a lot about things that are close to my heart, things I want.  A lot.  Besides a KitchenAid mixer and babies, one of the things that tops the list is a home.  Now,  I can’t claim that I never had a home and I moved around all my life and all I wanted as a kid was a steady place to live.  I had an awesome home.  I lived in a big farmhouse that I am so, so happy I can still sort of call home.  However, I realized that I have moved 5 times in the past year.  Five.  From college, to home, to Illinois, to home, to Denmark, to Sweden, and that doesn’t include all the travelling in between.  We’re moving again next week, but instead of a smooth across-the-hall move like we had hoped, things got bumped around a bit, and we’re going to end up moving all of our stuff down to the next building to live with my sister-in-law for a few days before we move it all back up again a week later to our new place which we’ll have until August somethingeth when we’ll have to move.  Again.

Besides hating the tasks of packing everything and moving over and over again, it’s beginning to take a pretty solid emotional toll on little old me.  Moving from my college town of Green Bay back home was bittersweet (the bitterness of leaving friends and the city and campus I grew to know, the sweetness of knowing I’d be getting married soon and starting a new life with my husband).  Moving from the Wisconsin farmouse to a stinky Illinois apartment in a sketchy part of town was a bit heartbreaking.  Moving to Europe was amazing (knowing I’d not have to have a long-distance relationship with Andreas) and horrible (saying what felt like an awfully permanent goodbye to so many people, places, and yes, things.).

I guess I’m just “over it.”  I’m not a young restless soul with a thirst for adventure.  I’m a crotchety old soul with a thirst for a cup of coffee and a place to plant my roots.  I want to buy a bed, and plates, and not say to myself “should I really get this, if we’re just going to have to lug it around for the next _____ amount of time?”  I know that this, along with my KitchenAid mixer and my longed-for babies, is just on the horizon, but the many moves in the meantime sort of cloud my view, and I’m left feeling a bit helpless, a bit homesick, and a bit detached.

Anyway, tomorrow is my first International Knitting Group meeting, and I have pretty high hopes!  Wish me luck with my nerves, and all this home-wanting angst.  Why am I not 45 yet?!